Tuesday, November 29, 2011

11 Months

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could go 11 months without a drink but I did.  At this point I am painfully aware of my faults and I'm sure more will be revealed. I am finding that people who don't drink don't really want to hear about what I am not good at.  They want stuff done.   One of the difficulties I have right now is sharing my minor successes with people and not reacting to their " shouldn't you have done that a long time ago" or " how old are you" comments.  For someone like me who neglected life for 20 years it's a big deal to end the month in the black and have all my bills paid.  Not so much with others.

The biggest difficulty I have now is letting go of the woman I love, who I was with for the last 6 years of my drinking.  She is happy I am sober but is not interested in getting back together and I am crushed.  It's not the reason I quit drinking but I was hoping that the sober me would get another chance to make things right.  I need to remember that not everyone else wants me to make it right.  Some people want to move on  and I think they wish I would too.  I have to realize that I had my chance and I blew it.  I am not alone, there are plenty of guys like me.  I am not special.

There are times when being sober is so awesome and my life is so much better now than before.  I don't even really think about drinking much which is nice but I was hoping to share some of my newness with my old love.  It's kind of lonely without her.  But life on life's terms means I don't have to like reality but I sure as hell better deal with it.  There are worse things than feeling alone and sad and drinking will not make those feelings go away.

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