Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The hits just keep on comming.

So on the heels of being told there is little to no chance of ever getting back together with the woman I love I find out that once again I meet the minimum requirements for a teaching job but that they will not be going forward with an interview And that a good friend of mine passed away after a lengthy battle with cancer.  Just when I was feeling good about my life...life hits like I was told it would.  Now if I was still drinking either one of those events would have been Plenty for me to get wasted over in an attempt to forget.  All three back to back? forget it and look out.

Today I realize that I was the one who asked the question of my ex.  Her answer was not what I wanted to hear but I cannot control what other people feel.  I am a bit proud of myself for asking, before I would have just hoped for the best.  Today I realize that I am a new teacher with very little experience so it's no surprise that other more qualified teachers are getting the jobs I want.  Today I realize that I can't do anything about my friends passing away.  It's times like this that I winder" is this what I got sober for?"  The answer is...Yes!

I got sober so I could hear and take critical advice and not get defensive about it.  I got sober so I could take more classes and get more education to make up for my lack of experience.  While I am saddened by my friends death now that I am sober I can remember many of the good times we had together.

I was totally in my own head with all of the stuff going on so what did I do?  Went to a meeting.  Who was there randomly?  My sponsor.  It's funny how when I do the right thing I get the help I need.

11 Months

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could go 11 months without a drink but I did.  At this point I am painfully aware of my faults and I'm sure more will be revealed. I am finding that people who don't drink don't really want to hear about what I am not good at.  They want stuff done.   One of the difficulties I have right now is sharing my minor successes with people and not reacting to their " shouldn't you have done that a long time ago" or " how old are you" comments.  For someone like me who neglected life for 20 years it's a big deal to end the month in the black and have all my bills paid.  Not so much with others.

The biggest difficulty I have now is letting go of the woman I love, who I was with for the last 6 years of my drinking.  She is happy I am sober but is not interested in getting back together and I am crushed.  It's not the reason I quit drinking but I was hoping that the sober me would get another chance to make things right.  I need to remember that not everyone else wants me to make it right.  Some people want to move on  and I think they wish I would too.  I have to realize that I had my chance and I blew it.  I am not alone, there are plenty of guys like me.  I am not special.

There are times when being sober is so awesome and my life is so much better now than before.  I don't even really think about drinking much which is nice but I was hoping to share some of my newness with my old love.  It's kind of lonely without her.  But life on life's terms means I don't have to like reality but I sure as hell better deal with it.  There are worse things than feeling alone and sad and drinking will not make those feelings go away.

Friday, November 18, 2011

A Long Break

Well I have not posted in a while but that's because I have been so busy.  When I re-entered life it was going at full speed so it has been an abrupt return for me.  I look back on the days when I didn't do much but drink and I would often say that there wasn't anyting to do.  Today I get more done by noon than I ever did in a week while I was drinking.

What I really like at almost 11 months is how differently I handle situations which used to baffle me.  Now when I'm upset I take a moment instead of ranting about it.  If I make a mistake I own up to it and move on and the world does not end.  I no longer feel like I need to correct the world.

It's not that by quitting drinking that my life has gotten easy, life is hard, it's just that now I am dealing with my setbacks and problems like everyone else instead of pushing my problems down into the pit of repression.  And you know what...It feels good.